Staying Friends With Your Ex

I have a motto when it comes to staying friends with my exes: "If I liked you, I'd still be with you." I am clearly a posterchild for choice over nature when it comes to sexuality, because every other lesbian in the world appears to be genetically predisposed to stay friends with her ex.

Any dyke over the age of 25 knows that The L Word's "Chart" of lesbo hookups is no work of fiction. In every group of lesbian friends in America (and probably the world), you will find a web of lesbian entanglements, breakups, and heartaches. Half of these ladies have slept with (or, in the least, made out with) a minimum of three other members of the group. And for the particularly easy amongst us, most of the other members of the group. So why, you ask, do these gals stay friends after the magic is gone? Are lesbians a higher form of creature, able to overcome their petty jealousies, bitter breakups, and distant memories of hot-and-nasty sex?

No such luck. The truth is that lesbians stay friends because, simply put, they can't get away from each other. It's difficult to avoid your ex when you run into each other every Saturday night at the the only gay club in town. It's hard to give someone the silent treatment when you both play outfield on you local lesbo softball team. It's impossible to dis your former flame when you have all of the same friends and attend all of the same potlucks. And this, ladies, explains the phenomenon of lesbian dating circles.

Personally, I just prefer to move away from my exes.

Designer Glasses

Okay, this pearl of wisdom is dedicated to the power lesbians among us. Designer glasses demonstrate a clear working knowledge of appearance and good eyesight. You've all seen them around somewhere...you might even work with a few of these gems. They are CEOs, managers, administrative directors, lawyers, physicians, vice presidents and entrepreneurs, to name a few. I've even seen them on some local dyke baristas (those must be some fine tips). They all have one thing in common...they are hungry for power and control...at work anyway. They seek out opportunities to demonstrate their erudite vocabulary, over-achieving sensibilities, and clear reign over their minions. Designer frames are the perfect exclamation point for these ambitions. Most straight women flaunt their designer handbags as a status symbol, but many dykes could care less about a Chloe, Prada or Gucci handbag. Sensible power dykes prefer to flaunt their wealth with designer eye wear. It's easy to spot one and it's important to know how to handle one of these authoritarian figures in a working situation.

Allow me to offer advice:

1. Listen intently to all advice, recommendations and suggestions offered by your Chanel-frame-wearing-lesbo boss. Be sure to act on these bits of knowledge in a timely and gung-ho manner. This will get you good karma points and increase your chances for promotion in the future.

2. If you are a butch woman, be sure to perform your butch walks and poses as much as possible in front of her. Like I said earlier, she wants to be in control at work, not in bed. If you are fool enough to flirt or f**k one, be extremely cautious and discrete. This will get you far in the corporate world...as far as a butch can go anyway. You might have to settle for being one of her minions, or perhaps her gardener.

3. Compliment her often on her fine choice of eye-wear and her vast knowledge of designer names. Some might consider this brown-nosing, but she loves to be noticed for her good taste.

4. Never call her "four-eyes" or "nerd". This approach will earn you nothing but heartache and demotion.

5. Treat her with respect and awe at work to stay in her good graces.

6. Keep your breath fresh and minty. All dykes with designer frames know the importance of fresh breath. They have a close relationship with their opthamologist and there is no profession I know of that requires a more constant, diligent watch over good breath. These women appreciate and even admire the noble pursuit of breath freshening.

Follow my simple tips and the designer framed dyke can be your best friend at work. She tends to be loyal and generous despite her tough, cold outward appearance. These dykes are truly to be admired and respected...at least in my opinion.

Making Hummus

Invite a lesbian to a party, and what will she bring? Hummus. Not just any hummus, but home made hummus. Why you ask?

1. Hummus requires very few ingredients, most of which comes in a can. Its quick and easy to whip out, yet seems exotic. No difficult pans, or cooking devices are required. Not even a stove. A blender is the only fancy tool needed. Most lesbians own one of these.

2. Go to a lesbian get together and you will be met with diverse dietary restrictions. Hummus is the only food that everyone can eat. Its vegan, vegetarian, dairy-free, wheat free, gluten free, chemical free, organic, and raw. It is, however, not fat free. But ask any lesbian, most don't mind a little fat.

3. The main ingredient of hummus is "chick-peas". Get it?

Be the hit of your next party, and bring home an empty bowl. Make your own hummus. Here is my recipe.

Lesbian Hummus

1 can of chick peas..or as some call them...garbanzo beans.

Lemon juice

Olive oil

garlic

a pinch of cumin

1 tablespoon of tahini

Put all ingredients in a blender. Blend until smooth. Scoop into bowl. Serve with organic veggies and pita slices. How Martha Stewart!

Softball

For many girlfriends of the softball dyke, softball and it's pull on the lesbian community remain a mystery. Ask these ladies why lesbians like softball, and you're likely to get a shake of the head and a shrug of the shoulders. Ladies, this little primer is my gift to you.

Dreams of youth: The dyke's love of softball often dates back to her childhood, where she spent untold hours playing team sports. Many lesbians can tell tales of youthful, unrequited love where the object of their affection was a teammate or rival on the field. Here's an opportunity to relive those years.

Equipment: Lesbians love their tools, and softball equipment definitely falls into that category. There is nothing like a broken in glove or a bat that feels just right in your hands.

Uniforms: Dykes love baseball hats, and here's an appropriate place to where them. Mullets look good (okay, less terrible) in a ball cap. Also, what's more dyke-a-like than uniforms?

Low impact: As sports go, softball is pretty easy. You don't need to be in marathon-runner shape, or even mall-walking shape. In fact, couch-potato shape is good enough. This works out well for many lesbians.

Beer: Beer in cans is a staple of the adult softball league. Some teams drink beer between innings. Staying sober is the key to victory when playing these teams. Beware of bawdy pitcher/catcher jokes from these beer-drinking lezzies, though.

Hooking up: All those sweaty ladies, some of whom are single, some who are drinking, some who are single and drinking. The length of the softball season is just about right for an extended fling. Beware dating your teammates, however. This can lead to some serious dyke drama.

While I don't have proof of this, I would venture to guess that softball teams have been a haven to lesbians for as long as softball has been a sport. Here in Seattle, there are whole leagues of lesbians braving the weather to battle each other for softball supremacy.

Every dyke knows there's nothing so sweet as getting to third base.

Potlucks

Potlucks -- the dinner party of choice for dykes. No softball season would be complete without the requisite kickoff team potluck. No summer solstice would feel so celebratory without five tofu dishes, six tubs of homemade hummus, eight variations on herbal iced tea, and fifteen vegan pies. And, what lesbian couple would even think about having a commitment ceremony without a potluck reception?

There are several reasons why potlucks have such a stronghold on the lesbian community: (1) Dykes are lazy. Why prepare a four course meal when you can convince your friends to do it for you? Why break out the fine china (which, by the way, has to be handwashed) when paper plates will do? And, why did Colonel Sanders invent "chicken in a bucket" if not for the uber-lazy, "oops-I-need-to-bring-something-to-the-potluck" lezzie? (2) Dykes have no flair for entertaining. Dykes have no clue what wine to pair with lamb, which fork to use for the salad, or how to make a centerpiece that doesn't involve yarn and old beer cans (see post on beer in a can). That's the beauty of the potluck - the only things that you really need are a table big enough to hold all of the food and enough lawn chairs to hold all of your friends. (3) Dykes are cheap. (see future post on tipping) Buying ten steaks is expensive, but throwing hotdogs into a bowl of beans and calling it "Beans and Boy Business" is cheap. Buying jumbo crab and shrimp is expensive, but tossing canned tuna into a pan of spaghetti and calling it "Pasta and Girl Business" is cheap. As long as you give your dish a funny name, the ladies will love it. Besides, all dykes know that the potluck is about quantity, not quality.


So, the next time you feel like playing host, kick that Martha Stewart cookbook to the curb. Just ice down a cooler of Budweiser, dust off the picnic table, and call up your best gal pals -- but don't forget to tell them the party is BYOD (Bring Your Own Dish)!

Making fun of the U Haul joke

Q. What does a lesbian bring on the second date?

A. A U-haul.

Yes, I know you have heard this joke before. It is the oldest lesbian joke ever. And dykes not only love telling this joke, they like to make fun of themselves for telling this joke. It is considered a staple in lesbian humor. Yes, lesbians do tend to form close, immediate, intense relationships, you know you have met the one, so what are you waiting for? Move in! Unfortunately, the U-Haul syndrome can lead to other problems. *see future post "LBD", (lesbian bed death)*

Yet we are all guilty of beating this dead horse. We tell the joke, we live the joke, we make fun of our friends as in.."Have you met Kelly's' new girlfriend?" "Oh yes, I think they are headed to U-Haul this weekend!" (insert obligatory eye roll here)

In defense of the writers of this blog, none of us moved in together within months of dating. In complete honesty, I wanted to, but we held out for a year. Which is like a decade in lesbian years.

Subarus

Here in the Pacific Northwest, it is extremely common to see lesbians driving Subaru Outbacks or Forresters. Of course, it is extremely common to see anyone driving Subarus in the Northwest, but the cars are especially popular with the dyke population. So common, they are sometimes called Lesbarus.

Clearly, a Subaru is the car of choice for both the outdoorsy types and for those that just want to appear to be outdoorsy. A Subaru is a practical car, and we all know that lesbians are practical gals. There's room for their gear, their friends, their dogs, and their friend's dogs. It's rugged enough to be taken seriously, without being over the top.

Subaru has a long history of courting the lesbian population, and clearly advertising works. They've had ads with Martina Navratilova and cars with Xena plates. They sponsor a number of gay and lesbian charities. We're suckers for both celesbians and community support.

Mostly, I just want a Subaru so I can fit in with the rest of the gals.